Graduation

As I scrolled down my Facebook newsfeed, I saw a posting from an old friend of mine that posed the question -"Why am I always so emotional at this time every year?" It's funny...graduation time always makes me feel that way too. I look back at that day on the football field with fondness... all of us kids thinking that we had finally made it. For years, I would watch graduations from afar. The pomp, the circumstance, always seemed like it was nothing but a distant dream. A beautiful, dream, with long flowing gowns and silly hats. And although you realize on some level that this tradition may look a little silly, you were more than thrilled at the prospect that some day, as long as you didn't stray too far off course, you too would get to be a part of the time honored tradition.
There is a common energy that floats around every small town and big city towards the end of May and beginning of June. It's an energy that radiates possibility, and the promise of tomorrow. It is one of closure and camaraderie. Graduation is a snapshot day, one of the few in your life where you look at your past and your future in the same picture. It is a day when you cry happy tears. You gain freedom from feeling safe, secure, and nurtured. And, while the vision of your future life is thrilling, leaving that bubble is often a bit scary.
I, myself always had a very vivid picture of what my future life would entail. And although it was all I had ever dreamed of, I had no idea of just how much fear would get in the way of those dreams. You see, in my mind, I was a big city girl. The problem was that my heart was big, and it was as country as it gets. I was a small town girl, with big city dreams. But what happens when your heart and your head are on two different pages?
In my experience, the heart always wins. So, I look at this years crop of graduates, as I do every year, and wonder where my life would be had I stuck to my original plan. The one that I was so adamant about, that is until its reality was staring me harshly in the face. I could beat myself up on a daily basis, and maybe on some level, I do. But, consciously, I instead try to focus on the plan that the universe had for me. More importantly, the plan it had for my three wonderful girls. Had life gone according to "plan"...these three unique spirits wouldn't be coloring the world with their greatness. Yes, maybe I would have still had children, but not "these" children. So, maybe my purpose was greater than ME. Maybe it is ok to follow your heart. That said, when the merriment of commencement commences, don't look back with regret. You are right where you are meant to be. And for those of you waiting to toss your proverbial hat in the air, think BALANCE. Your heart and head are meant to work together.

Getting Ready to Graduate

"10yr Reunion"

"20yr" Reunion"

These are my thoughts...On Life So Far. Happy Graduation, Jen

Cast of Characters

So, I'm thinking that the best way for me to introduce you to these jokers, is for me to write a brief summary on them. I'll be interested to hear if and how they compare to your own personal cast.

                                                                            Cast Summary

Mom- (Shirley)This one's tricky. Isn't it the truth that regardless of how old we get...we want to make our parents proud. My mother drives me bananas....but I still want her to be proud?? We share a history that bonded us by more than just love. We are bonded by 25 years of a crazy life. We are like 2 soldiers that waged a war together. Our fight was unique to only the 2 of us. We shared a common goal...to protect and survive. Everyday, our lives were built around what battle we would be fighting that day. Would we get a day off? I'm not saying it NEVER happened, but the truth is, there was always something brewing, even if things were calm, we could never really enjoy it, we knew that it WOULD happen. It was always a when...not an if! We survived it together, and with a sense of humor. God knows where we'd be if we didn't have each other in those times. When well timed comic relief was the only medicine that dulled the pain of what ever nightmare we were in the midst of living through. I would never want to relive my childhood, but I will say that what we went through, filled me with a fighting spirit. The same fighting spirit that I still call upon today when life becomes a little too much. I'm not sure I would be equipped, had we not lived the life we lived. Once my parents divorced, so did the dynamic between my mother and me. We are still very close, but we fight more now than we ever did in the first 25 years. Why? Not exactly sure, but I think its a number of factors. Factors brought to the table by both of us. They center around control....I think. It is what it is really, cause regardless of what it is, I'm always going to love my mom, and I'm always going to need her. Do I wish that our relationship felt the way it used to...yes. But, sometimes it does. Those times are nice. Even when they're not, I'm so lucky to have a mom, and so lucky that my mom is who she is. I would rather have my mom on our worst day, then no mom! I love you mom!

Dad (Big Al)- Here's the deal with my dad.... PAUSE... 5 minute time lapse. I'm just not sure how to do this. Ok...my dad is a  paradox. He is wildly entertaining and smart as a whip. He struggles with accepting responsibility. He doesn't do too well with confrontation. He's either avoiding a situation, or screaming in someone's face. He is dangerous yet meek. Shy, with overflowing bravado. My father is a complicated cat. He is his own best friend and his own worst enemy. He is a man of extremes. A walking contradiction. Have I mentioned smart? He is...very. Too smart, for his own good. He is lovable and maddening. There is no one that makes any of us laugh as much as our dad. And it's not just us (my siblings and I), that are entertained by our dad, but anyone and everyone that has ever encountered him, He is a character....a real character. The kind of guy that everyone knows and can tell a funny story about. But let me say this, if my father was that much of a character to the general public, can I please just tell you that behind the doors of our home, that character was magnified...by a million. He was more...way more of a character there. My Dad has had issues with drugs for as long as I can remember. And that is a huge part of why we are here today. But let it be known, I love my Dad, very, very much.

Mike- Mike and I have been together for about 6 years. We met in Carmel Valley at massage school. There was an instant connection. It was strange, very strange. Mike was the complete opposite of anyone I had ever been with. He had dreadlocks halfway down his back...sloppy clothes, and just looked like a bit of a bum. But I must say, I did think he had a pretty face. There was a certain something about him. I was intrigued. Mike confessed early on that he wanted the "white picket fence" with me, But I also was living with my fiance while we were in school. So, we didn't really go there with our relationship. We had something, we weren't sure what. And I had been in a relationship that I had invested nearly a decade in. Nearly 2 years after we met in massage school, we decided that it was time.

Gareth- My goof of an ex husband, and the father of my 3 beautiful girls. He's been my best friend since 1994, and still is today.  When I met Gareth, my world as I knew it shifted. He found a girl with rough edges. He found a girl that reacted, to everything. Gareth tempered me, in a good way. I watched him, I listened to him, I learned from him. I learned to be a better version of myself because of him. Most of the time, we get along better than most married couples, every once in a while we get into it, and I have to kick his ass. We can only stay mad at each other so long though. It makes him crazy.

Carly (17)- At 5'8", my gorgeous, athletic, blond bombshell of a daughter, towers over me. It feels like only five minutes ago, when she was the ultimate tomboy. Putting up her dukes, challenging grown adults to foot races. Falling on her face and saying "I'm fine" before she knew she was. Doing the "ants dance"...which she learned from Megan S. My Carly has suffered from the FOMS her whole life. Her Fear Of Missing Something has made living with her occasionally challenging. It could be midnight, and she's still trying to cajole us into playing any type of interactive game....whatever keeps the party rolling. Luckily, she is a girl that stays close to home. We are her favorite company. This is a child who would rather spend a Saturday night in with her family. She would chose time with her Dad and two Uncles over time with even the three cutest boys at school. And her mom, grandma and sisters rank higher than any friend. It wasn't always that way, we had a period of time that was challenging, very challenging. For a while there, I wasn't sure that time would ever come to an end. I took a college course in Family Psychology once, and during my personal experience that we all had to share, I broke down. The assignment was to talk about your greatest challenge. Without a moment of hesitation, I spoke of my daughter whom I loved more than myself. She was the reason I got up in the morning, but she was causing me so much frustration, that I couldn't bear it. I hated the fact that the one thing I loved more than anything in the world was causing me more grief than anything else in the world! We have a much different relationship now. My Carly is very much her mothers daughter.(Though she doesn't like hearing that) Her spirit is very much what mine was at her age. This of course means that I can relate to much of what she experiences. The difficult part is letting her go through it and experience it on her own, instead of trying to head her off at the path that leads down the path of inevitable pain. My Carly is truly a ray of sunshine, with a spirit as bright as the sun.

Taylor(16)-Taylor prefers animals to people. A very sensitive, insular girl. She is a precise child. As a student, she hated timed tests. She has always been a quality over quantity type of girl. She is passionate and protective, with a keen sense of social justice. She roots for the underdog with the fervor that only someone whom has been the underdog can relate to. Tay was picked on as a child, mostly by the same one or two little punks in her class. It was a very small school she went to, so those same couple of boys haunted her, until she decided it was time to change schools. Of course I told her that those boys harbored secret crushes on her and that their teasing was a direct result of it. I believed it, still do. And, I won't be surprised when she comes to me and tells me that either one or both finally admitted it. Taylor has always had her sights set on Hollywood. This is a huge part of why I find myself at the crossroads I'm at today.


Ryann(14)- A gift from God, that's what she was! When the nurses handed me my baby girl, the first thing I said was "She's the perfect combination". Of her two big sisters, I meant. My Ryann wasn't planned. I actually had an IUD when I got pregnant with her. It was quite a surprise, and one that I wasn't prepared for. You see, there was only 15 months between Carly and Taylor, and life was beyond hectic. My husband traveled frequently for work, and the thought of another baby was literally more than I could bear. After taking a home pregnancy test in the bathroom stall of South Valley Jr. High....my alma mater(I was there choreographing a talent show), I called my OB-GYN and begged him to explain to me how this happened. After all, he was the one that sold me on the whole IUD thing. Of course it wasn't long until I was completely over the shock, and excited to meet our latest addition. My husband was convinced that this unexpected pregnancy was meant to provide him with the boy that would eventually carry his golf clubs. Before he could get himself too convinced that it was a boy, we found out that we were actually being blessed with another little girl. Though I had always envisioned myself as the mother of boys, I had to admit, I was getting pretty good at the girl thing. The only thing even remotely boy "ish" about my girl, is her name. And even that is the girl version.

Bryan(33)- I was an only child for seven years before my brother joined me. I couldn't have been more excited for his arrival. I can remember thinking that their could NEVER be a more beautiful baby!! He was perfect to me. I remember thinking, "Baby's sleep to much"!! So, I would walk by and knock on his door, then innocently pop into the bathroom and listen to see if my knock stirred him! I remember my mom complaining that he didn't sleep well. Little did she know that I was indeed the culprit. Bryan, on his own was a perfectly sound sleeper. I would look for any reason to spend time with him, even if that time meant that I had to change dirty diapers. My brother has grown into a wonderful man. He is painfully shy, and this shyness has prevented him from developing any real romantic relationships. But, his time will come. He luckily, has been very busy nurturing and developing the company he created. We are all so very proud of the business man he has become. However, I am personally even more proud of the man that he has become. His main goal is to contribute to making society and the world a better place. He has a soft heart and a kind spirit. He is a wonderful Uncle. He adores his family, and lives to see his neices develop into thriving young adults. He calls them "His Ladies".

Ashley(31)- My sister arrived 2 years after Bryan. She was quite a girl. Stubborn and sassy, but oh so sweet.  I loved her, very very much. However, I do remember a brief period of time when I could have been nicer to her. She would follow me around, and for some reason, I wasn't too keen on it. Why I felt like that, I'm not sure. As Ashley got older, I fell madly in love with her. She became my favorite person in the world. She became my confidant, my protector, my chosen pal. My sister's frame may be a little different than mine, but the rest of us is the same. Our eyes are exactly the same, our skin color is exactly the same, the smell of our skin is even the same. The craziest similarity is our voice. Even our mother can't tell us apart on the phone. I have literally had complete strangers ask me if I had a sister named Ashley. My sister has struggled with her weight, though she has never been "fat". Around her 30th birthday, my sister reinvented herself. She lost a significant amount of weight, and fell in love for the first "real" time. And although her boyfriend is a lovely, wonderful guy, I hate him for taking her away from us. Ashley moved to the East Coast, where him and his son reside. My sister and I went through the roughest time in our relationship for the two years leading up to her move. And though things are better than they were, I really wish she wouldn't have left when she did. There was still time needed to get us back to where we were. I miss her everyday. I miss what we had. I miss my sister, very much. But no matter what, we will always be sisters, and she will always be at the center of my heart.

Bradley(29)- Little Bradley, what a character. Bradley has been the life of the party since he started walking. He has always been nothing but a bundle of positive energy. He gained the nickname "Bonkers" from being so high energy, that he was constantly catapulting his body all over the place and crashing into anything and everything. Bradley was the light of all of our lives. He was a ray of sunshine to everyone that came in contact with him. He and Bryan are the very best of friends. They are inseparable. Bradley is always up for a party, he loves to enjoy his life, and the people in it. Bradley has always had a close group of friends, and those boys are still like family to this day. The beauty of Brad is many things, but mostly his positive nature and the fact that he is wildly protective of his family. Actually, we all are very protective. But Brad is different. Bradley rarely says a negative word about anyone, and if you're the one talking trash, he will call you out. Bradley feels very deeply. He is as adorable today as he was at 5 years old.

Grandma and Grandpa- Our Grandpa was the love of our lives. Without a doubt. His world rose and set around us kids, and ours rose and set around him. Never, in any way, could he have been a better Grandfather...HE WAS THE BEST...PERIOD!! The day he died, a part of us died. I struggle with the loss on a daily basis. And every night, I hope that when I dream, it is of him. When I do dream of him, I wake disappointed that it was only a dream, but I have myself convinced that when I do see him, it is his way of visiting. Grandpa was demonstrative and loving. When I was young, I would sometimes get embarrassed by his love. We would be walking through the grocery store, and he would stop a complete stranger, just to tell them "See this girl, this is my Grandaughter, and I love her". He was Portuguese, full blooded, and very proud of it. He wore his heart on his sleeve, unlike my British Grandmother. Grandma is reserved and soft spoken, but ever so witty. She is kind and protective. She is a peacekeeper and hates conflict. She was always the most wonderful Grandma and we loved her to pieces, we still do, but we are no longer welcome in her life. It has broken her heart, and ours. But, it's not her fault, it is my Uncles'.

Uncle Brian- He IS technically my Uncle, but not really. He is a vindictive, jealous, selfish bastard. A man that I saw maybe 5 times before he swept in to take over my Grandparents' lives. He showed up and systematically began isolating my Grandparents. He and my Grandpa never had a good relationship. He resented my Grandpa, terribly. He always felt that Grandpa wouldn't accept his sexuality, and over the years, it made him angry. However, he was wrong, very wrong. Shortly before his death, we spoke of my Uncle, and how he felt about him. He told me that he always loved my Uncle, no matter what. And none of US cared, we wanted him to be EXACTLY who he was. We always knew he was gay, but NEVER did THAT have any any impact on how we felt about him. He could have been into monkeys....we didn't mind. After my Grandpa's death, my Uncle went on a psychotic power trip. He made up the most blatant, evil  lies, and began filling my Grandma's already ailing mind with complete mistruths. He literally put my Grandma in the position where she had to choose between the family that she spent every weekend with, and him. And all for financial gain. He saw my Grandparents 10 times at the very most since the time he left home at 18. He can bully my Grandma, unlike he was able to bully my Grandpa. We all knew it was fishy when he arrived, although we tried, we all tried to bring him into the fold and make him feel like a real part of the family. However, it wasn't long until our initial suspicions were proven correct.  He has sequestered my Grandmother away from the people that she loves the most, and we have to wake up everyday knowing that she is less than a mile away, but we are unable to share in her final years. It is beyond heartbreaking. He does a fabulous job of presenting himself to the general public as a doting devoted son. It is a joke. He is there for one reason, and one reason only...to collect! My Grandmother is not safe emotionally in his presence. He has poisoned her, and it is my greatest heartbreak. He is bitter and resents the fact that we always had my Grandparents unconditional love. I have heard, with my own ears, him vomiting complete lies to my Grandmother as well as others, simply for his own gain. He has singlehandedly destroyed our family. He is a manipulating bastard, and I hate him. We all do.                                                                                                    

I would give my life for anyone listed on this page. Except, of course, the dirt bag that redefined the family dynamic that we all have enjoyed so very much up until just recently.

These are my thoughts...on life so far! Cheers, Jen

Where to Begin?

Where to begin? It's a pretty loaded question! Where we begin really sets the tone of our relationship. You and I; the reader and the writer. So, let me tell you, that here, you will get the real me, and all of me. I will share as if you are my best friend...with no filters. It's taken me quite a journey to arrive here, at the corner of Hopeful Dr. and Depressed Ln. And if I had to describe myself, our illustrious leader, I would say in a nutshell...I can be serious, but don't take life too seriously. I'm divorced, but lives with my ex-husband. I love to dress up, but frequently end up at the grocery store in my pajamas. I watch CNN AND reality TV. I don't fall in love easily, but do love deeply. I have many friends, but only a small few really know the true me. For those few, I would take a bullet. 

My family is without doubt, the root of my existence. Regardless of whether I'm in a good, bad, or ugly place with any of them....I will rip your head off with my teeth for any of them. I am certainly considered the "black sheep" of the family....What that REALLY means is a little fuzzy, but in my view, the black sheep is a good person, that just happens to be the most sensitive and emotional. The one that internalizes every micro dynamic that exists within our family. Sometimes I'm called a drama queen. It's a title that I find particularly annoying. I was born into drama. A lot of it. We will get into that later, but the truth is, I hate it. I hate drama. It literally makes me sick. I do however enjoy a little excitement in life from time to time. I was genetically "gifted" with ADD, and on top of that, I grew up in an environment that could turn even the most docile cat into a candidate for Adderall. So, yep...that means I've got it something fierce!

For years, I've felt that my mind, my family, my life is ripe for reality tv. I don't have a reality show, but I have an incredible reality, and I can promise you, it is far more entertaining than the reality shows I find myself tuning into! (At least that is my opinion...you can make your own decision) I'm not here to posture for a reality show, just sharing with you, here, feels quite sufficient. I'll give you a running commentary on the madness of my life, and the lessons and revelations that I've experienced thus far. Hopefully there are many more lessons coming my way, and hopefully, we can learn a few together. You can take it all in...I'll get some free talk therapy. Today, I find my life in a place that feels both completely confusing, as well as perfectly clear. So, as a 40-year-old, divorced mother of 3 incredible teenaged daughters, I find myself at the greatest crossroads of my life thus far. While looking back on the life that got me to this point, we will try to utilize the lessons of the past to help find balance in our future. Because, when life is out of balance, you can feel it, and it DOESN'T feel good.  And don't we want to feel good? I do, that way we can ponder the important issues, like which Real Housewives cast is the best? How many grey hairs I acquire every morning due to what we call the "morning madness", social responsibility, the place of organized religion in a post-Oprah Show era, empowering the human spirit (while still being sensitive to people's individual frailties), love and loss, whether it's normal to think my dog is a Goddess (she is, I swear) and much more. There's a lot to talk about! Remember to look past the snapshot of life that you're currently looking at, and remember, it's about the "Big Picture"! Welcome to my world!

Check back often, subscribe to my life, and see what's happening in "Jen's Big Picture"!